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“Green Police,” Parody or Portent?

  • “Green Police,” Parody or Portent?

  • 28 February 2010 by 0 Comments

“Green Police,” Parody or Portent?

By Richard Larsen

Published – Idaho State Journal, 02/28/10


Imagine yourself preparing to pay for your purchase at a local grocery store, and the clerk asks you, “Paper or plastic?” Innocuously, and preferring the diverse functionality of plastic bags, you reply, “Plastic.” Next thing you know your head is being smacked against the scanner and you’re being cuffed by some fearsome-looking officer dressed in green and white, and he declares, “That’s the magic word. Green police. You picked the wrong day to mess with the ecosystem, plastic boy.”

On returning home you see similarly attired officers scavenging through all your neighbors’ garbage cans, obviously looking for contraband. One officer yells out ecstatically, “Batteries!” at which time a swarm of green and white clad police leap into action and converge on the perpetrator of the heinous crime. What? You missed the crime? He threw away batteries. You can’t be much more egregious in your crimes against humanity and the earth than that!

That evening, after indulging in one of your favorite fruits, you go to the sink to dispose of the orange peeling in the garbage disposal. Before you even have a chance to place the offending rinds into the sink, a spotlight blinds you from a helicopter circling overhead, and an authoritative voice commands, “Put the rind down.” You should have known, it should have been composted instead of chopped up in the disposal. You abruptly turn and run for your life from the omnipresent green police as you see them swarming up your driveway to arrest you.

You next observe your neighbor doing a “perp-walk” down his driveway, while a live television crew covers the horrific incident. The announcer declares, “Tragedy strikes tonight for a man who has just been arrested for possession of an incandescent light bulb.” The bulb was undoubtedly a 100 watt variety, which is now banned from production and sale in the United States. He should have known better, you think to yourself, and had his incandescent bulbs replaced with those squirrelly mercury-based bulbs that require a HASMAT team to clean up when they’re broken.

You notice a couple of youth nearby being detained by the green police who are ostentatiously pouring the water out of their plastic water bottles, declaring, “What do you think of your plastic water bottles now?” They should have used bota bags, as long as they weren’t made of leather. That would have made them subject to harassment from the PETA police.

The green police have swarmed into another neighbor’s yard where a young couple is relaxing in a hot tub . You notice one officer attempting to place handcuffs on the young man, while another is proclaiming their crime, “The water setting is at a hundred and five.” The young man flees for his life.

These scenarios were played out during the Super Bowl a few weeks ago in an Audi “clean diesel” car commercial. All good humor (if we accept the premise that the ad was designed to be humorous) has an element of truth which provides the foundation for jocularity. The element of truth here is that there are no doubt many who would support such fascistic efforts to protect the environment and “save the planet.”

Those who would dogmatically adhere to such a creed would no doubt like to see legislation and enforcement by “Green Police” supporting their pantheistic pet peeves. Those who either worship the earth on a par with God, or in lieu of God, who believe all the earth’s inhabitants should be forced to abide by their personal pantheistic or environmentally conscious standards. But would not such legislation and enforcement be on a par with their accusations against protectors of the unborn, of “legislating morality”? Would that not that also be on a par with refusing “the right to choose,” which ostensibly is the sacrosanct precept upon which abortion rights are argued? The dichotomy makes for a delicious debate. Based on that value system, it’s okay to choose to kill the unborn, but it’s not acceptable to choose plastic over paper. Now that’s a warped value system!

There are parts of the country well on their way to such “Green Police” enforcement. San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom twittered, “Ok. That ‘green police’ Audi commercial hits home.” And no wonder it hits home for him. His city currently requires citizens to compost their food waste, or face a $500 fine for violation. Nationally, President Obama and the majority leadership in Washington want to enact an energy policy (Cap and Trade) that will impose punitive fines for what they deem excessive carbon emissions, and impose drastically higher electricity costs and lower standards of living. New York has its own trans-fat police forcing restaurants into municipal ordinance compliance. That’s just a tip of the iceberg.

Freedom has a price, and part of it is vigilance by the citizens to prevent fascistic and tyrannical coercions of do-gooders who seek to impose their extremist environmental morality on the rest of us. While intended as humor, the Audi Super Bowl ad can serve as an awakening to the intentions of such extremists. Heaven forbid that the ad should serve as a portent of things to come.


AP award winning columnist Richard Larsen is President of Larsen Financial, a brokerage and financial planning firm in Pocatello, and is a graduate of Idaho State University with a BA in Political Science and History and former member of the Idaho State Journal Editorial Board.  He can be reached at


About the

More than anything, I want my readers to think. We're told what to think by the education establishment, which is then parroted by politicians from the left, and then reinforced by the mainstream media. Steeped in classical liberalism, my ideological roots are based in the Constitution and our founding documents. Armed with facts, data, and correct principles, today's conservatives can see through the liberal haze and bring clarity to any political discussion.

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